Imperfectly Perfect

Let’s start with some honest conversation. I have indirectly evaded this illusive world of blogging for almost 4 years.  I’ve ignored, dismissed, and rationalized the concept of “posting” my life, especially my thoughts, on a website for all to see. It terrified me. Until now.

Reality is, on this blog there will be photos of my life, like the ones here, that reflect my tastes (all the sparkly things!) what I am doing (working out or wrangling my kids), and what I am inspired by (books and food.. duh!).

I love to create, cultivate, and connect. But please know, the social media we are inundated by is usually just a highlight reel of the moments we deem good enough to share, some posts are only a limited window displayed for all to see, maybe they accurately reflect the moment, maybe they are nothing close.

For example, in the photo above I was immensely depressed.. even contemplating suicide.

In this photo, Adam and I were actually separated.

And in this photo, Selah was tired, screaming, and cried uncontrollably after it was taken.

My point here is this: just because you see, feel, or observe something, doesn’t mean it reflects reality. Every single human has their struggles. But we have a tendency to disregard reality when our eyes gaze upon a beautiful moment posted on our screens.

Why? Because we live in a world of comparison. A world where everyone else’s lives are better; and it makes us bitter. We are always declaring nobody’s perfect and yet demand perfection – I say we, because I do it too.

Our screens and feeds are continually shouting, “your not good enough” or “your missing out” or even “you could never have that life.” – It’s a gnawing sensation that weighs down our soul with each fingerprint left on our devices. 

So we hashtag #goals or #followme as we internally burn for a life construed with filters and facades; or troll on others profiles, demeaning and shaming humanity.

I’ve felt that way.

Those are thoughts I’ve had.

I’m still working through bouts of judgement, comparison, insecurity and pain. I’m still pressing into healing to eradicate the pride and self-righteous attitudes I obtain that are bias towards my “goodness” and based on limited perspective; because deep down inside I desperately wish to be be perfect, to heal myself, fix the world, and never need anyone….

To be God.

 

 And if I’ve felt that way, that means I am not alone in that sinking feeling of “never enough.” I am not alone in my deep desire to hide, isolate, and withdraw. I am not alone in this journey of growth. I am not alone… there are others out there too. 

And for the longest time, I thought blogging would only contribute to the unrealistic “ideology of a perfect world” of which we all desperately crave.  So why would I risk allowing others the ability to sift through and misconstrue my mind or my likes; that I’ve spent decades isolating and protecting?

For years, blogging was too risky and I was too private. It was asking for opinions, rejection, and judgement that I had no desire to embrace. I’ve seen thousands of people jump at the chance to belittle, attack, and condemn to soothe their soul. In my heart, I’ve done it too. Smoothly and eloquently feeding my flesh through irrational thoughts that are subjective at best, based on photograph, paragraph or post.

Our destructive nature is no longer restrained out here on the internet world. Some of us are no longer human, but beautiful monsters; tearing each other apart.  Why would I be willing expose myself (or my family) to it’s insanity? 

And yet through fierce confrontation and heartbreaking trials, a new way to believe entered my life. An epiphany of sort. It was sweetly simple and yet profoundly complex. It didn’t happen overnight; I wrestled this beast called “victimization” for years. But in the heat of it, fear subsided and laid dormant as a new way to relate to my world enveloped my core beliefs. The thought saturated my mind, smothering each bustling brainwave, as neurons began to fire.

“I have the power to change that.”

I CAN contribute to the facades and fallacies entangled by unrealistic expectations that run rampant in our lives. I can pretend my life into a black hole of fake dreams (I’ve done it before) or, I can change that self-condemning, keeping up with the joneses, perspective by one simple act. 

Being me.

Being vulnerable, transparent, and real. This is something I can do. Moving from powerless to powerful, from victim to victorious, from other-controlled to self-controlled.

Truth is, I cannot control how others choose to respond to me, I cannot change their minds or filter their words. But I can choose to be free. People only control me if I choose to let them, power is given or it is protected.

I wont be perfect in this, but I can be proactive. I can embrace my imperfectly painful world that is perfect in every way, and inspire others to do the same. I can live a life that is authentic to me, and fail forward along the way. I can share about my spray tans and hair extensions along with my temptations and character flaws. I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not, just for a round of applause.

Because blogging doesn’t equate to fake and phony. It’s not about the picture perfect life or the outfit that #slays all day. It’s not about impeccable mothering skills or a lavish date night with the bae. Yes, those moments are sometimes lived, and sure we all have days we just gotta take a selfie. I love detailed boots and lipstick thats extra. Bring on the tulle skirts and smooth skin texture. Of course I will travel, eat cupcakes, and jump on beds with my daughters

But obtaining these things are not my #goals nor are they the essence of me. They are not the destination in this journey of life, but the delights of intentional living. 

And that is what this blog is about. Living my life with intention. Being intentional in discovering personal freedom. Intentional in building confidence. Intentional in loving my children. Intentional in healing with my husband. Intentional in creating and cultivating a life authentic to me. And intentional with my passion for Jesus. This blog is for anyone and everyone who has a desire for life.

A free life.

I don’t expect everyone to accept it, or even agree with my attitudes and perspectives. It’s not about followers, fans, accolades, or attention. It’s about genuinely living each day with intention. It’s one millennials perspective on what it’s like to be alive in a world full of chaos and redemption. It’s a place for compassion, creativity, and confession. It’s an invitation into my imperfectly perfect world; filled with sequins and substance.

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